I guess it hit me,
Feet nailed to the ground,
Birthday depression,
The absence of you,
The space I can never fill,
My eyes water,
Numb like clockwork,
Broken like puzzles,
So close like a part of myself,

I walked in to your house step by step behind your mother ... I felt empty and cold. I piled your blankets and pillows on to your bed. I burrowed my head in them and smelled you. I do not know what my life looks like without you.

I miss you so much. It hurts when I try to breathe. I have never felt so alone before. I see all of your friends and I watch them cry. I stand at the side and I am not sure how I fit in with them all or if I ever did. I know you in such a different way.

I shoved my head in to the bedding that you died in and I could smell you. I didn't want that moment to end. I didn't want any of this to be true. I closed my eyes and I thought of all the nights that I slept beside you after your surgery. I was so scared , I listened to you breathe and I watched you sleep. I would pet your hair and kiss your forehead.

I am not sure how to forgive myself for not being there. I talked to you a few days before and I should have been there. I asked if your houseboy could come home. I said that I missed you. You said yes !!! This sucks and I miss you. I have no idea how to get through this unibrow....

Sunday June 20th

I can feel you. I can't see you. I can feel you. The Monday that you were found I was sitting on the front stoop and I could feel you watching us from between the houses. I went to your wake and I felt you to the left of your casket and I feel like I am going crazy.

I was taking around a kitchen table when I felt you watching us all from the back room. The conversations all continued and I felt you. The energy moved and I could feel you in the kitchen chair four feet away from where I stood.

I am not sure how to feel sad when I can feel you all the time. I am not sure how to grieve you when I can feel how at peace you are and how you are okay. I can feel that you are enjoying learning new tricks and how to leave signs for us all. I know that you are just as in shock as we all are.

I love you and I miss you.