I hate you.

I fucking hate you.
You have no idea how hard I tried,
I fucking hate you,
You have no idea what I lost when I tried to be your friend,
I fucking hate you,
My life splintered wood grain blood stained,
Big spoon little spoon,
She won't even be my friend,
I fucking hate you,

second hand unwinds.....

I wonder if I am excited?
Nervous?
Should I be planning something?

Fuck,

I just feel calm,
Relaxed,
I feel at ease,

Thankful,
Gracious,
Peaceful,

....and maybe one day worthy.

Broken,
Done,
Really?
Yes,

Last night I had a dream about the girl from the beach,

Broken,
Done,
Really?
Yes,

I think about destiny,
I think about how I have felt you around me for days,
Shadowy blurs to remind me I am not alone,
Shadowy blurs to make it feel like i am home,

Did we come this far, really?
Is that a little white flag,
You throwing a towel,
It would be easier,
that way,
not like this,

Love love love.....
that way it would be easier,

Alone done and tired today,
I ache for a miracle,
The perfect word someone could say,
Someone would say...
..but they won't say,

and another year and another day,

The empty gaping hole and the distance in my heart,

Suddenly in my 31st year I am told that I don't talk about whats really going on with me, well shit...

I have spent the last few days trying to lay out the fundamental differences between not getting along with someone and not tolerating being mistreated.

The biggest promise I ever made. The promise to be friends and partners until the end of our days. I wore a ring, I took your name and I wore your name on my arm. I walked stronger with that promise that I was forever bonded to my best friend. That I had something so special that I was so lucky to know that we had forever. The dreams we shared. The plans that we were making. The days we would spend in bed. The way you would slam me in to the wall so hard it almost knocked the wind out of me and then kiss me. The dog walks and the coffee. I know that I gave you everything I could. I know that I tried as hard as I could. I know that I loved you then best that I could and it wasn't easy. You are ever changing like a fucking Chameleon and I just couldn't keep up with you. I gave in to the dream of us so many times and I rode this out as long as I could. I love you and I always will. I didn't know how deep this really was in my skin. How much this was a part of me. How much of me was spent trying to love you. I have a gaping hole where you were and I want you to know that I gave us everything I had. I would do it all over again too, because it was worth the happy times that we shared.

....and now I have to walk away