I am uncertain about love these days,
I am tired of working to just end up full circle again,
I know,
I know,
There is still the knowledge I bring,

I am just tired of this and that,
I am tired of everything,

Fuck you forever..

......I can't seem to burn deep enough... to get you out of my skin.

I just keep listening to "one step up" over and over and over.....

one step up and two steps back

I bought a dress,
Probably never wear it outside my house,
I wanted to know I could buy a dress,
I could put it on,
I could pull it off inside the confines on my own walls,
I let my hair down and prance around with my freshly shaved legs,
White cotton panties,
I can be a little bit of everything,
..and look fucking hot doing it.....

Drawn to you from the first moment I saw you. It was like a moth to flame. I met you that night on Hayden St and I thought you looked like the hottest redneck I had ever seen. I walked up to that big old truck and you were leaned up against it. Your button up shirt tucked in to your jeans. Black boots. You were so confident, strong and we both knew the burden this would bring. The uncontrollable and undeniable pull. The beach, the steamed windows and your hand on my throat. I told you Thursday next week. I almost canceled. I know you thought I was all talk. I wasn't but I got scared when you burrowed into my heart. I can feel you right now as I lay in my bed. You can stop me, mid paragraph while reading. You pull that string in your heart and it tugs on mine. Miles upon miles away and I feel you. I feel you.

Promises......

We make them and when we do, we are deep in a moment. These moments always pass and now we stand here naked in this void.

I ache in that place that tears the ground from underneath me,
Princess Street does crash in to you and the wishbone said it all..
There are no more words,
There are no more anything that has not been said,

6 months,
I miss you hard,
The last time we spoke,
June 12th 11:19pm,
I miss you,

You asked for patience and time,
but you had none for me,
I needed you,
Push,
Pull,
Please hear me,
But you just feel so full of her,

I needed you that night and you just said you were done,

Trying,
Treading,
Drowning just enough to remind me I am alive,
I am not down deep enough anymore to really want to die,

I honestly wish I was more clear,
Confident,
Definite,
Anchored,

I look down at my arm........
...and until I find you.......
...and until I find you.........
I wonder if you will be my beacon of light after this storm,
Through the calming waters I will find my new home,

lifetimes ago.....

Hog tied and gagged just how you liked it,
I would be the stick that kept you safe,
I was so young,
I loved you so,
Those garters and stockings,
Tight miniskirt,
No panties,
How I loved you then,
Damn those black leather boots caressing your calf,
I would unzip the zipper,
The pleasure was all mine,
I was the one that brought them to that shine,

After the roller coaster of shit that has brought us here.... You say the words I miss you and it warms my heart. I am tired of trying to be something that I am not. I kept my dress shirts and my ties. Brown shoes, black shoes...always with the ties.

My honesty, my age and the tiredness in my bones. My playful heart that I don't want to hide. I say that it sounds good to hear you say the words you miss me. I am used to you saying that you want to see me. I think it was the first time you said that you missed me. I told you how good it felt to hear that and you called me a girl. I guess I am a girl.

the snow looks perfect tonight dancing around the street light,
outside my window cars drive to where I can't even imagine,
this city feels shallow and untrustworthy,
I am trying to make a home,
I am trying to make comfort,
I am trying.....

the arms I miss are 1 hour and 42 minutes away,
but they only stay overnight,
and usually for a day,

This feels fleeting,
I am broken,
I can't just find a feather,
then expect to fly,

This feels fleeting,
It could just be today,
The distance feels to much,
You feel so far away.

Fuck I think of you so much these days,
How I would find myself in your arms last December,
How I spent Christmas on your bed in the silence above ground,
The quiet hum of the city on a perfect calm day,

I find peace in the grievances that used to weigh me down,
I am seeking the lightness I lost,
The existential suffering from the moment I was born,
Twirl in my dress, play on a swing yet always feeling completely alone,

Rolling thunder and the rain pours down.
I only believe in what I feel,
I found you and I can see you,
You are my other,

I forgive you for your love when it was salty,
I forgive myself for my words when they were sharp and cruel,
I forgive myself for the ones I hurt before I ever knew you,
I can forgive me...but can you forgive you?