It really doesn't matter when you leave,
When your leaving anyways,
The longer you stay,
The deeper the knife,

I am left here alone,
So much like before,
Its just worse this time,
Beat down like before,

I don't want you to go,
I can't make you want to stay,

Hey you she says "your a sensitive one"
I know , I know, I know I am ,
I feel your strength and I feel your eyes,
I have stalled out and I need a kick start,

I am complicated,
I am a funny one,
I am a little everything,
I am a broken one,

Its just another complex day,
I never quite know what to say,
I only know that I want you near me,
I want you to want to stay,

If you are going to rip my heart out,
They my darling go right ahead,
This happyness is worth the pain,
My darling go right ahead,

fix me (your springtime coffee 08)

I don't know how to fix myself.

I walk and feel the stone cold air,
Penetrates through my skin,
Extreme is all I can feel,
Its all I can really feel,

I could walk right across this highway,
Like a ghost of myself,
A distant memory,
A ghost of how we were everything,

I look in your face and I am sometimes so lost without you,
I look in your face and you are not there,
I look in your face and I am sometimes so lost without you,
I look in to the ghost of your memory,

I lay on the hardwood floor and I heave,
I lay on the hardwood floor and I cry,

Here I am,
Spinning out of control,
alone,
vacant,
Distant,
Feeling obsolete,

I wish you would just stop me,
Put your hands upon my face,
Stop taking my wooden nickles,
Knock me back down in to place,

Tell me that you love me,
Tell me you want me to be the one,
Tell me that you believe in love forever lasting,
and I am special.. not just anyone,

Here I am,
Spinning out of control,
alone,
vacant,
Distant,
Feeling obsolete,

I am broken I am lost,
Iam here but I am not,

Just scream at me stop it stop it,
Stop being so lost in your head,
Just fucking scream at me,
Get me the fuck out of my head,

here I am

Here I am,
Standing peering in to a window,
I see your friend singing,
My heart pounds,
My hands shake,
I keep walking,
Wondering if you are inside,
I keep walking,
Thinking,
Walking,
I am sad,
Broken,
Walking,

October 13th

I love you,
I wake up,
I fall asleep,
I see your face,

rinse and repeat....

I love you,
I desire you,
I miss you,
I see your face,

Coffee in bed,
Smiling face,
Your eyes,
your eyes,

I love you.......

FAAK
FAAK

Big Spoon....

I have a black cloud over my love,
A black cloud over my heart,
I think I am a little in love with you,
I think I have obligations,
I think I am not sure,
I think I am a little in love with you,

You can be my big spoon,
I am gonna be the little one,
Then I will be the big spoon,
and you can be the little one,

I think I am bruised from the inside out,
I am not sure where you came from,
I am a little in love with you,
Your eyes are perfect blue/grey
I would try and find the words
If I knew what to say

I can't ask for this much patience
I have earned no trust
but I am a little in love with you
I am a little in love with you

Virtue

In your eyes I can see the sky is so blue,

The way you look at my face innocence and truth,

Wherever we are I can make it all disappear,

No more pushing you away,

I only want you here,

maybe

I guess I don't know what I am doing,
I guess I am scared to grow cold,
I am so unsure of my feelings,
I am so torn and I am about to fold,

Maybe I can let you inside,
Maybe your what I am looking for,
Maybe I am scared and I am running away,
Maybe I just don't know....

FAAK MY HEAD

I am not sure what the hell I am doing,
I just can't get you off my mind,
It could be 'cause your so far away,
I met you in another life time,

I 'll sending you smoke signals,
and a post card in the mail,

I only know something about you,
makes me so damn comfortable,

I have all this romance flowing through my veins.
I keep having dreams so intense,
I keep thinking about everything that lead me here,
I don't know where to step next,

Love it comes and goes and I can feel it flex and change,
Love is beauty like a flower,
I would rather admire from a distance?
.... because we all know what happens in the fall.
.....because we all know how it feels to fall.

I am felling way to old for this kinda shit,
I am not sure what I am supposed to do,
The only thing i know,
Is that it feels so damn good next to you.

Woman-work in progress-

I moved away. I moved a hour and a half away from my life. My wife that I loved so very much left me. I stopped where I stood and I left. I told myself that I needed to get away and I was right I did. I told myself that I needed to sit with myself. Its been four months. I read, I lay on my floor naked and feel the air and listen to the crickets outside my window. I live beside my father and his partner. Yes, he is a homosexual. I now have a roomate. He is a sweet little 21 year old, he is my fathers apprentice and needs a place for a few more weeks. I relized the other day that I have had no female friends.

BOOM KAZZZAAM!!

Something happened. Its like I heard a click, my mind stopped, by breathe weakened and I understood. I finally after 30 fucking years had a epiphany. I love woman. I love female energy. I love the beauty of a strong framed woman. I love a womans eyes looking back at me with tenderness and curves. I love talking about things under the surface and that hold some sense of meaning to both parties conversing.

I miss women. I love women. I am a lesbain. I am a woman. I love my breasts, the breasts that I used to hate. I love my little stomach, the stomach that I one day want to feel a child grow inside of me. I spend my time listening to ignorant comments about women. I wonder if it is fear. I wonder is it frightening to think that we nay be a creature wiser and more worldly in our ways? Is is strange to think that we may be able to see through your puffed out feathers that you want to force people to think that you take up more room than you actually do???

I used to be a mysogynist. I used to hate myself. I uses to hate that I loved women. I saw a illusion in masculin strength. The physicality of it all. Women are deeper. The strength we have isn't a shield. We don't need people to see our strength. We have it inside of a sharp tongue and our beautiful minds. It comes from within and it grows with every ignorant comment. It grows with every perverted stare. I love it. I love my strength. I love the strength of women. I miss women in my life. I miss women in my bed. I ache to feel a womans warm soft body pressed against mine. Your hand running across the contours of my face. Eyes looking right through me. I miss the coffee dates at our old kitchen table every morning.... fck...

Hot damnit

I can't stop thinking about you,
I am laying up in my bed,
thinking about your body,
thinking you'd give great head,

Hott damn I want to throw you down,
Build you up, tie you down................Slap you around ,
Hott damn I want to throw you down,
Build you up, tie you down................Slap you around ,

Up down all around........
Up down all around........

I want slap you across your face,
Squeeze the sides of your mouth together,
Feel the contours of your face,
Kiss your wet lips for a taste.



Hott damn I want to throw you down,
Build you up, tie you down..............Slap you around ,
Hott damn I want to throw you down,
Build you up, tie you down..............Slap you around ,


Up down all around........
Up down all around........

Alone

I feel distant from the place I call my home,
Nothing like what I used to be,
I am a vacant stare,
I am a dial tone,

I don't cry anymore,
Gotta stand firm,
Gotta stay strong,
I am scared we will all fall,

I need you so much to be so strong for me,
I need you to be the one to love and comfort me,
I get older and I understand all I have is me,
I get colder and I understand all I have is me ,

Mistake

We made a promise,
Time frozen and my heart pounds,
The sun beats down hard on my flesh,
Still,
I walk away,
Its not hard to fill the sketchy shuffle of your shoes...
Your a fucking chameleon,
You pick and choose,
I could find a dozen lovers,
Thats not as many personalities as you,
I am hard grounded,
Dark skin from the bleaching sun,
I know who I am,
I know what I need,
I was never in love with you,
I just wanted to make due,

Left field

Magnetic pull,
Jail bait,
Pulsate,
Pulsate,
Deep breathe,
Eyes lock,
Smile,
Left field,
Random,
Pulsate,
Pulsate,
Deep breathe,
Eyes lock,
Magnetic pull,
Eyes lock,
Left field,

My sparrow my darling

I have to grow steady on my feet,
You can't coddle me anymore,
In those moments when I feel weak,

This journey takes us to where we must be,
Careful stepping,
Beautiful uncertainty,
I step on to a path that is only mine,
Will ours ever cross again?

The humdrum pounding,
The beat so swiftly changed,
I must be brave and sharp,
I am careful with my footing,

I am lady love,
I am a beautiful sparrow,
You are not alone in the winds of change,
I never wanted to clip your wings,

Beauty

Beauty is..
Beauty does,
Up and down,
All around,

Love me,
Comfort me,
All of this,
Don't stand for me,

I wont be here,
Far from close,
Close from gone,
Leave me strong,

wonder.....

I wonder if there is a place for me,
Between the distance of this mystery,
I know you never ment to lie to me,
You are the apple Eve took from that tree,

You are a addiction,
Perfection and chemistry,
A beautiful train wreck,
That grew far to much in infancy,

I never wanted this to consume all of me,
The magic got swept away silently,
Sex is sex and love is love,
Should I give up entirely?

I can see the blackness of the trees,
The sky casts the richest blue,
I know there is still love for me,
I still have love for you.

Is there a way after enough time,
To turn this all around,
How many lovers will pass me by,
Until I miss your solid ground.

Work in progress.....

I wrote a long letter today,
but I won't send it anyways,
I think you understand me more,
Than i could ever give you credit for,

Something about the way you move,
I knew you would always be cut loose,
I thought that wearing your ring,
Would tighten up those loose strings,

Its the beauty and the pain,
made me run back again,
Its the comfort in your arms,
Shelters from all harm,
I was so in love with you,
I was so damn in love with you,

VERITAS

I was looking for the truth,
Questions are all I found,
If you really did love me,
You would have never kicked me around,

You would have never fucked the realtor,
When we were trying to buy a house,
or run after Johnathan at the video store,
When you said you wanted to work it out,

I remember sauntering in to the tattoo shop,
When we were getting sparrows done,
I saw my name on your chest as I walked in,
Yeah the ink was already done,

I felt sick to my stomach,
and I wanted to run,
Ignored intuition for reassurance,
Now I need some cover up done,

break me

Break me down,
That is how I felt downtown,
Shake me down,
I am but bones hitting the ground,

It adds up to,
Nothing at all,
A brief shinning second,
Before we all fall,

If it fits your schedule,
Tear a strip off of me,
If it fits your schedule,
So conveniently,

Mary

Mary what do you have,
That I can't seem to find?
Something in the way you move,
Your hair like olive vines,

In the night I touch my lover,
but I know she dreams of you,
Just one bite of venom,
Makes one fall for you,

Is the grass always greener,
Is it just another shade,
There is a tan line on my finger,
There are promises I made,

Mary what do you have,
That I can't seem to find?
Something in the way you move,
Your hair like olive vines,

I know when a black car rolls up,
She will think of you,
How your lips shuttered,
While she was kissing you,

Mary my life uprooted,
I gave it all away,
I walked out of my job,
I found a brand new day,

We tried to make everyone happy,
So much we lost our way,
Striving for future happiness,
Miserable along the way,

Mary what do you have,
That I can't seem to find?
Something in the way you move,
Your hair like olive vines,

Mary I can't move the way you do,
Like olive vines,

Sad Song

After a long hard day,
I want to pack it up,
Put it away,
Try to find the words to say,
I need you the most,
Why do I push you away?

I know love changes,
I know hearts fade,
It has been more than I can bare,
These past couple days,

I feel her cold shoulder,
Aimed right at me,
My broken hearts blood,
Drips down to my knees,

Leather Rose

I have a flower on my chest for every time,
I fell in love,
With you,
Like the rhythm of the sea,
Beauty and simplicity,

I have a flower on my chest for every time,
I fell out of love,
With you,
Like the rhythm of the trees,
Laced with a crisp breeze,

We weaved in and out,
Grew and flourished,
Loved like a drunk,
Took chances with our luck,

After all of these turns,
the folds,
the bends,
I have found myself,
Looking at my greatest friend,

Valentine

There is a hundred places I could be,
There are other people I could see,
I forgot I could feel,
The way that I feel,
When you are right here,
Its not another cheesy line,
This love could be so divine,
Won't you stay this one time?
Forever be my Valentine,

Mile to the gallon

I know you miss me and you always want to do the right thing.
I know that you wonder how I am,
In the spaces in between.
I know everything you do is simply for us.
Together or seperate,
Just always enough,
When infatuations end and my tire blows out,
I will be the hitch that takes you home,
Through dynamite walls,
To the end of the pier,
Where the light shines dull,
Until it shines clear,

June 25th

I'll pretend I don't feel,
I'll pretend I'm not here,
I'll pretend your not there,
I'll pretend I'm not there,

Every minute,
Everyday,
All the things that I have learned,
Its all around,
Every breathe,
All the things,
I have burned,

I'm not giving up,
but I gotta go,
Cuz I can't leave,
and I can't stay,

Awkward silence,
Its a charmless day,
I am broken,
I am broken,

I'm not giving up,
but I gotta go,
Cuz I can't leave,
and I can't stay,

Broken

It has been 21 days since she left. It has been 21 days since I was happily married and two days away from house inspection. She was my best friend, my lover and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The person I tried to make a baby with and the person that I made promises to and curled up beside at night. I cried for seven days and nights. I couldn't eat for weeks. I don't know what kind of love she left me for, I wonder if she is going to wonder the rest of her days looking for blind infatuation or passionate one nighters. I am completly fucking lost. She was enough for me, her touch, her breathe and her body against mine in the night. She was my best friend and I felt for that brief moment that I was apart of something beautiful.

I try to remember how it all happened, the moment it all began and the flicker in time that I knew that I loved her. I remember being quiet and shy, which was out of my usual obnoxious behavour. I used to be macho butch. I used to fuck hard and rough. I used to dominate my prey. I used to be short haired butch and they used to be femme. I used to be a creature much different than I am now. I am now a beautiful woman broken by another beautiful woman. I have been trying to pinpoint when my fear overcame me.