I think about you almost everyday,
I wonder if you are happy,
I wonder if she understand you the way I did,
I wonder if she is open with you the way I was,

I wonder about a lot of things.....

I walk with my dark passenger,

We walk together like every other day before....

I can see the lives behind us in your eyes,
My heart has always been in your hands,

I want us to share this life together,
I push for to much to fast,

Your shoulders big as mountains,
Framed like a house.. I want to crawl inside,

I crave arms wrapped around me from behind,
No reason,
No mystery,
Just love,

I miss you today and I miss the way things were,

I miss the way things could have been,

Driving around,

Your coffee mug twisted shut,

The way I would touch your hand,

The way I would let you know that I was there,

Back to the sorrow and being unable to eat,
Great for other peoples eyes,

I lay here at night and I roll over,
I toss and turn,
My mind wonders,
My wanderlust sends me away,

The magnetic pull that brought us here,

Now full of empty space,

Wishing your arms were open,
Looking down at mine crossed on my chest,
Full of sad broken me,
Wanting you to be something I cant seem to be,

I remember lessons that I guess I gotta learn,
I remember all the things and I can't seem to let go,
My heart like woodgrain,
Like a stump with the rings,

Showing years,
Showing time,
Showing all of me,
Broken by time,

This pit is black and the walls are caving in,
They are heavy wet earth,
The sun feels like less and less,
The days feel shorter.... further between,

I am broken and there is no fake pill to lift me up,
I have nothing but broken shattered bones and a aching heart,

Full of sad broken me...

October 13th,
I should have died that day,
Everything in my life,
Fell apart that day,

Big spoon,
Little spoon,
I miss you,
Like I always do,

Riding around,
Vroom Vroom,
I remember how things were,
I miss you

I cant believe it has been a year since you left. I don't think that a day has gone by without the feeling of a void in my life. I can still feel you sometimes. You were and still are the only person that I can count on. I miss you quietly in my own way it seems. I don't have much in common with any of your other friends. I miss you. I miss you everyday. I still feel so far away from everything.

X

I remember you said I was so beautiful,
You said how could someone not desire you?

I would feel safe and desired in your arms,
I felt beautiful and worthy of such things,

I wanted to feel your strength against me,
I craved the softness you would also bring,

Now I feel like all I have is the distance between between,

I want so much to trust that this is real,
That anything is real at all,
I feel dead in my heart,
My eyes feel empty and lacking soul,

I thought about my belt around my neck,
I thought about it,
I thought about a bloodied tub,
I thought about it,

I thought a lot,
I wondered if I would get to see you again if I did,
I feel like I have no one,
I feel empty and alone,

I miss it when your hands loved my skin,
The days before all I had left were tears,

When you would kiss me and hold me,
The days before all I had left were tears,

I can not see a light to guide me home,
The darkness of the night found its way deep inside,

You don't love me the way in which I love you,

I am sorry I am like gravel,
I am sorry I can still miss you after all this time.

I remember the last time I heard your voice,
In the cab,
It was June 13th,
It has been 10 months,

I am sorry I am like gravel.
I am sorry I can't just forget you after all this time,

Perhaps,
Next time around,
Perhaps,
Perhaps,

I feel lonely wishing something would break, snap or give.
I wish something would or could allow this to bend.
I miss your skin and the comfort of seeing your comfort.
I feel like I am dead weight.
A abyss of hopelessness of a memory of another time.
I miss your arms and a smile I close my eyes to see.

I close my eyes.

I stare off.

I say " I am just tired baby"

I think back to blue gray eyes...another life another time.

I am so scared that I will fuck this up,
I am so tired of nothing going how I planned,
I am so scared of fucking this up and it all being my fault,
So much at times I am not myself,

I am broken today,
I am sore today,

I hate you.

I fucking hate you.
You have no idea how hard I tried,
I fucking hate you,
You have no idea what I lost when I tried to be your friend,
I fucking hate you,
My life splintered wood grain blood stained,
Big spoon little spoon,
She won't even be my friend,
I fucking hate you,

second hand unwinds.....

I wonder if I am excited?
Nervous?
Should I be planning something?

Fuck,

I just feel calm,
Relaxed,
I feel at ease,

Thankful,
Gracious,
Peaceful,

....and maybe one day worthy.

Broken,
Done,
Really?
Yes,

Last night I had a dream about the girl from the beach,

Broken,
Done,
Really?
Yes,

I think about destiny,
I think about how I have felt you around me for days,
Shadowy blurs to remind me I am not alone,
Shadowy blurs to make it feel like i am home,

Did we come this far, really?
Is that a little white flag,
You throwing a towel,
It would be easier,
that way,
not like this,

Love love love.....
that way it would be easier,

Alone done and tired today,
I ache for a miracle,
The perfect word someone could say,
Someone would say...
..but they won't say,

and another year and another day,

The empty gaping hole and the distance in my heart,

Suddenly in my 31st year I am told that I don't talk about whats really going on with me, well shit...

I have spent the last few days trying to lay out the fundamental differences between not getting along with someone and not tolerating being mistreated.

The biggest promise I ever made. The promise to be friends and partners until the end of our days. I wore a ring, I took your name and I wore your name on my arm. I walked stronger with that promise that I was forever bonded to my best friend. That I had something so special that I was so lucky to know that we had forever. The dreams we shared. The plans that we were making. The days we would spend in bed. The way you would slam me in to the wall so hard it almost knocked the wind out of me and then kiss me. The dog walks and the coffee. I know that I gave you everything I could. I know that I tried as hard as I could. I know that I loved you then best that I could and it wasn't easy. You are ever changing like a fucking Chameleon and I just couldn't keep up with you. I gave in to the dream of us so many times and I rode this out as long as I could. I love you and I always will. I didn't know how deep this really was in my skin. How much this was a part of me. How much of me was spent trying to love you. I have a gaping hole where you were and I want you to know that I gave us everything I had. I would do it all over again too, because it was worth the happy times that we shared.

....and now I have to walk away