I am uncertain about love these days,
I am tired of working to just end up full circle again,
I know,
I know,
There is still the knowledge I bring,

I am just tired of this and that,
I am tired of everything,

Fuck you forever..

......I can't seem to burn deep enough... to get you out of my skin.

I just keep listening to "one step up" over and over and over.....

one step up and two steps back

I bought a dress,
Probably never wear it outside my house,
I wanted to know I could buy a dress,
I could put it on,
I could pull it off inside the confines on my own walls,
I let my hair down and prance around with my freshly shaved legs,
White cotton panties,
I can be a little bit of everything,
..and look fucking hot doing it.....

Drawn to you from the first moment I saw you. It was like a moth to flame. I met you that night on Hayden St and I thought you looked like the hottest redneck I had ever seen. I walked up to that big old truck and you were leaned up against it. Your button up shirt tucked in to your jeans. Black boots. You were so confident, strong and we both knew the burden this would bring. The uncontrollable and undeniable pull. The beach, the steamed windows and your hand on my throat. I told you Thursday next week. I almost canceled. I know you thought I was all talk. I wasn't but I got scared when you burrowed into my heart. I can feel you right now as I lay in my bed. You can stop me, mid paragraph while reading. You pull that string in your heart and it tugs on mine. Miles upon miles away and I feel you. I feel you.

Promises......

We make them and when we do, we are deep in a moment. These moments always pass and now we stand here naked in this void.

I ache in that place that tears the ground from underneath me,
Princess Street does crash in to you and the wishbone said it all..
There are no more words,
There are no more anything that has not been said,

6 months,
I miss you hard,
The last time we spoke,
June 12th 11:19pm,
I miss you,

You asked for patience and time,
but you had none for me,
I needed you,
Push,
Pull,
Please hear me,
But you just feel so full of her,

I needed you that night and you just said you were done,

Trying,
Treading,
Drowning just enough to remind me I am alive,
I am not down deep enough anymore to really want to die,

I honestly wish I was more clear,
Confident,
Definite,
Anchored,

I look down at my arm........
...and until I find you.......
...and until I find you.........
I wonder if you will be my beacon of light after this storm,
Through the calming waters I will find my new home,

lifetimes ago.....

Hog tied and gagged just how you liked it,
I would be the stick that kept you safe,
I was so young,
I loved you so,
Those garters and stockings,
Tight miniskirt,
No panties,
How I loved you then,
Damn those black leather boots caressing your calf,
I would unzip the zipper,
The pleasure was all mine,
I was the one that brought them to that shine,

After the roller coaster of shit that has brought us here.... You say the words I miss you and it warms my heart. I am tired of trying to be something that I am not. I kept my dress shirts and my ties. Brown shoes, black shoes...always with the ties.

My honesty, my age and the tiredness in my bones. My playful heart that I don't want to hide. I say that it sounds good to hear you say the words you miss me. I am used to you saying that you want to see me. I think it was the first time you said that you missed me. I told you how good it felt to hear that and you called me a girl. I guess I am a girl.

the snow looks perfect tonight dancing around the street light,
outside my window cars drive to where I can't even imagine,
this city feels shallow and untrustworthy,
I am trying to make a home,
I am trying to make comfort,
I am trying.....

the arms I miss are 1 hour and 42 minutes away,
but they only stay overnight,
and usually for a day,

This feels fleeting,
I am broken,
I can't just find a feather,
then expect to fly,

This feels fleeting,
It could just be today,
The distance feels to much,
You feel so far away.

Fuck I think of you so much these days,
How I would find myself in your arms last December,
How I spent Christmas on your bed in the silence above ground,
The quiet hum of the city on a perfect calm day,

I find peace in the grievances that used to weigh me down,
I am seeking the lightness I lost,
The existential suffering from the moment I was born,
Twirl in my dress, play on a swing yet always feeling completely alone,

Rolling thunder and the rain pours down.
I only believe in what I feel,
I found you and I can see you,
You are my other,

I forgive you for your love when it was salty,
I forgive myself for my words when they were sharp and cruel,
I forgive myself for the ones I hurt before I ever knew you,
I can forgive me...but can you forgive you?

I look down at my arm and I see your name,
I remember the time when we were so in rhythm,
It seemed like everything was lined up just for us,
There was that love that i thought i had waited all my life for,

I thought you were it for me,
I thought you were the one,
It seems now painfully clear to me,
Baby we were so wrong,

Is love all forgiving or are we all worn out?
Were we pushing for some thing we were better without?

Is a broken promise a lie,
or,
Is it a dream that doesn't come true?

Some of us are haunted by things that we don't even understand.
We are born in to a darkness,
Constantly fighting the seductive pain of this cold comfort,

Perfection seems so far away,
I think that we are all perfect the moment that we die,
Free of the shackles of ignorant humanity,
Free of the blindness of our nebulous emotions,

I can see you through the mucky air,
I have always been able to see you,
Under your baseball cap,
Your intensely resplendent eyes,

..remind me

Deep darkly and a faint blue. I make my bed it seems like any other humdrum chore until I unfold my pillow cases. I grabbed some older ones from the closet. I saw that the white ones had some stains. Then the beige one had a small blood stain.

My mind goes back to that June day and how I threw all your blankets back on your bed. Your pillow cases had stains. The last tangible mark you would leave. I throw myself in to the blankets, sheets, the pillow cases with your stains and the smell of you.

I go back to the nights and never ending days that I lay beside you. My darling friend, how you drove me crazy and I drove you crazy too.

I talked to one of our friends and she told me that you wanted me to take care of you. That you trusted me that much and it blew my mind. I guess life is timing. I remember when I first came to your house to stay with you I had never experienced such unconditional love. You gave your space to me so willingly. It wasn't but a few days later that your sister and best friend came over. I walked to the store with your sister on that beautiful September day to get a pop and that is when she told me about the surgery.

I had no idea about any of it in the least and that is when I knew that I was not running away from anything by leaving Woodstock, but that I was going to where I needed to be and it was with you to take care of you.

I remember helping you go through your clothes. It was really me pulling everything out and you pointing your finger telling me where it should go and then me putting it back. You did have a bossy mouth and I loved you for that.

I remember when I had my accident and I hurt my shoulder. I couldn't work for months and it was just as well because I had time to be your 24hr Houseboy. When you went away for the surgery I remember cleaning your place like a crazy person. I pulled all the furniture out and vacuumed everything. I even washed the walls. I was so worried about the dust and baby powder residue, I didn't want to risk you getting a infection.

I remember when you came back. Your sickly tired face. Your mom laid out all these medications and vitamins for you. She handed me this manual like you were a car or a new stereo. She said take care of my baby, I am so glad that you are here for my Lizzy.

That fucking hospital night gown that you wore for what seemed like forever with colored stains from sugar free freezies and Jello. I had to peel it off you on laundry day and pre-treat the stains so I wouldn't have to look at them. I slept next to you for two weeks and I listened to you breathing. I was so worried about you. I was curled up between you and the wall. You were so cozy and lovable. I recall the night I had to start sleeping on the couch again. It was so intimate taking care of you and sleeping next to you that I got a little weirded out when I felt like cuddling up and kissing you. That is when I went back to the couch!

You would wear the tiniest little socks and when you took them off they would roll up like a condom fresh out of the wrapper on the floor. I remember this clearly because in order to wash them they had to be meticulously unrolled. You were very finicky about the whole sock ordeal because a pair of socks couldn't be wrapped in to itself they would have to be carefully laid together in the drawer to avoid stretching out!!

I remember your pants and how you had two pairs on rotation. The jeans and the black ones that the crotch kept ripping out of. I know what love is. It is sewing up the crotch of your pants. I used a special knot stitch and they didn't hold much longer than the time you stitched them before that.

I fight the feeling of being a total complete fucking failure because I was not there for you when you really did need me. My intuition told me to go to you that night. I remember sitting at coat check while I was working and I was texting you while fighting this internal battle that kept telling me to go to you. We set up a time where you were going to come and get my stuff from my wifes so I could move back in with you. I told you how my marriage was not working and I tried as hard as I could. I needed you and you unconditionally loved me welcoming me back into your home.

I told you all the crazy and shitty things I had done. I told you how messed up I was and all over the place. You loved me and you were there for me when it seemed no one in the world was. I fucking miss you.

My arms.....

Next to you I lay,
Mind pacing,
Back.........
Forth.......
Your breathe,

Your strength against,
The coldness of the wall,

I can smell her skin,
and our time is far to short,

My arms......
around you.....

You wife is always your best friend,
Until she ain't no more,
Telling each other all your secrets,
Until she is smashing your face with the door,

You made so many promises for ever ever more,
Now is is fucking the guy at the video store,
Love and ever after can only go so far,
Then common sense kicks in and tells you she is a whore,

One of my best friends died and where the fuck were you?
Yelling at me for all the things I did and did not do,
I spend days crying staring at the wall,
You beat me down more just to watch me fall.

How far would you go?
How hard would you fight?
If you believed in something?

If you loved someone.....
If you had someone so deeply in your heart,

My bed is cold.

Time passes like it always has, the circadian rhythm of movement. We all like to think at times that we are above. Love comes and it goes, people are born and die. Science can move as swiftly as it may but we are just animals at the whim of a universe we are all to primitive to understand. Slavery was only abolished 148 years ago and woman have only been able to vote in Canada for 92 years. When that is put in perspective how intelligent are we? Its really great that we all have ipods and iphones. I think that the i should stand for insensate. We are becoming apathetic. We are hunters and gathers lavished by the convenience of this modern world we have created. So far removed from the neanderthal roots of inherently who we are. We are so bored that we are killing ourselves.

I will pour myself another morning coffee.....

Your salt and pepper hair,
The strength of your arms and shoulders,
Your gorgeous face,
Your perfect eyes,

I miss you and I want you here,
I love you and I want you near,

I want you to fight for me,
I want you to look through my sad angry eyes,
Wrap your arms around me and not let go.....
Never let go.....

I ache for your arms in the night,
under blankets,
under the star filled sky,
under the weight of my sorrow,

A single tear falls,
I don't have to wonder,
Lover I know,
You feel my tears your arms are home,

My heart pounds anxiously for no reason that is my own

The betrayal and lies,
Misleading paths,
I am tired,
Tell me you love me,
Lay in her bed,
Everyone cries,
Everyone leaves....
Eventually,

I feel everything is tainted,
Nothing worth fighting for,
I wonder if you would fight for me,
I wonder if I was ever worth fighting for,
Its probably the fear of letting go....

I am gonna grow a little colder,
Thicken my skin,
Keep my engine from over heating,
I want to let go of the clutch and get bucked off....

Tip me over mother fucker and dump me out,

I am done,

I wish something incredible would happen,
I need a soft face of comfort,
Arms arms ......
I need your arms,,,,,,

I am sad and broken,
I miss your voice,
Soothing,
Comfort,
Your arms wrapped around me,
All night,
All night,
My heart,
My heart,

In the name of Beyonce, ring the alarm......
To the left, to the left.....

I want to give you more than anyone has before,
I want to keep you safe,
I want to keep you warm,
I want to help you get to that place that you want to go,

I want to love you and make you understand that you are worth fighting for,
You are worth giving keys to the door,
You are worth sweeping my own shit off the floor,
You deserve an easy way with loving arms to greet you at the door,

I wonder what it would be like if this was easy,
I wonder why I feel like you are worth everything,

The only one that can see me,
I was just sitting on the curb,

Hot metal,
Its yours,
Mark the spot,
It reminds me,
That you were here,

Full force magnetic,
FUCK,
Since that moment,
Something.............
Click,
Snap,
Crackle,
FUCK,
Something.............

I can't pinpoint,

There is a aching void in my chest that tells me......
It makes me feel,
It lets me know,
...maybe this is beyond my control,

I want to scream up at the sky,
Into this perfect fall night air,
Fuck timing,
Fuck my heart,

Fuck everyone else and there hearts,
Fuck all the promises and Tattoos,
The rings and the words,
I only have this moment now and I want to spend it with you,

Pull up and tell me I am the only one,
I am scared we are all scared,
All we have is a moment and this minute,
I could spend the rest of my days safe in your arms,

and it would be everything more than I could ever dream ,.......

I can't be the reason for your personal disaster.
I can't be the wedge,
I can't be the brick wall,
I won't be any of these things at all,

I feel like I am one sleep away from falling in love with you,
I would ride my moto day and night for those arms,
Its sad because they were never mine to have,
You gotta go back home where you belong,

You gotta go try and fix all your wrongs,
This was never my intention at all,
I point my finger east off you go,
but your only home because I let you go,

I can't be the reason for your personal disaster.
I can't be the wedge,
I can't be the brick wall,
I won't be any of these things at all,

You hold on to a promise like we have all done before,
Sometimes its just paperwork,
Wasted tears on the floor,
Making another huge mistake broken words passing through the door,

If you love me like you say,
You would fight for me,
Day after endless day,
You would say those words,
They would cut me and breathe,

Warm my heart like a fall blanket of leaves,
Hold my heart safe in your hands,
Do anything,
Whatever it takes,
You would say that this is everything,
This is worth everything,

There would be no one else tugging on your heart,
I would go to the edge of the world with you,
I would jump if your hand was in mine,
I would do a lot of things if your hand was in mine,

I fall in love with my own daydreams,
The idea of what could be,
What we could have,
...another life,
...another daydream,

April Showers....

I am in love with the girl from the beach that I met in the summer. I am in love with the girl that gave me her heart and I got scared and kept dropping it. I am in love with the girl with the blue/grey eyes and the ever changing hair colors. I love the girl that is really a woman with beauty and strength. I love the way that my hands would caress your shoulders and move down over your breasts as I straddled you. I love the way that you looked at me. I love your face. I love the smell of your skin. I love your breathe in the morning. I love waking up beside you and feeling your warm body next to mine. I love that you and I are both spoons and how close I would feel to you. I always want promises that I am scared to ask for. I love you. I love you unconditionally. I love how you challenge me in every way. I love that you listen to me. I love hotel room coffee with you. I love three days on the greyhound just to see your face. I even loved the three days home. I love when you fall asleep when I am telling you my feelings, even though it makes me push them down a bit more. I love the way you pour a guiness in to a glass. I love the way that we would jump in to the shower and I would wash your back. I love how you tried to give me time to get sorted. I love you and I am still a work in progress. I love you little tree rat. I am trying so hard to get out of my head. I have fallen behind and I hope you will wait for me.

Smoking drum tobacco,
Coffee and the morning is so cold,
Stuck in my own head,
These are the days a couch is home,

I miss your voice,
sound of your feet on the floor,
I knew every exact sound you would make,
Then your keys would lock the door,

The winter shuffle of cold icy snow filled streets,
You can do it,
I believe in you,
We are going for a walk I would say,

Your love,
Unconditional,

Your love,
Wide open arms,

I don't know how to stop the ache,
I don't know how to make it right,
I wish I knew,
I wish I could,

It is more than a ring,
...more than a tattoo ,

Its this always tugging on my heart feeling,
....pull a string and it always ends at you.

I thought we would watch our careful stepping,
Although I can't find yours today,
I am not sure behind or ahead,
I don't think it matters anyways,

Where are you..
These sheets are cold and I feel so exposed,

I still have tears falling from the night before,
They lead me to look out the door,

The fall breeze seems self deprecating,
Those arms that I need around me,

The arms that held me the night before,
When my legs buckled to the floor,

When I say I don't need you,
I need you the most,

Humbled to think any other feeling could be better company,

I learned how to cry again in your arms,
I feel defeated,
I feel shallow,
I have surrendered to the gods my heart,

I place it in your hands,
Whatever is left,
I give you my word it is there,
....and I give up

Broken tears..
Feel that?
Feel this....
Fuck that..

I will tell you I am gone,
I am,
My heart is right there..
Open your hand...

I am to old,
For this,
For that,
Fuck this,

I am in love,
I am in love with you,
..but know I gotta do,
What I gotta go and do,,,,,,,,,,,

Riding Kamikaze ,
Fucking kill me,
Full throttle,
Half naked,
Ground beef,
Serrated heart,

at does it mean,
My love feels a little tainted, my mouth unclean,
We are dreamers and I believe in dreams,

I ride and ride.
I am broken.
I can not push time.
Would I even if I could?

Do you believe in moments,
The ones that carry me through the days,
The moments of silence,
Your overcast eyes,

The girl from the beach,
She taught me more about love,
She showed me how to love,
She loved herself before all else,

I guess it hit me,
Feet nailed to the ground,
Birthday depression,
The absence of you,
The space I can never fill,
My eyes water,
Numb like clockwork,
Broken like puzzles,
So close like a part of myself,

I walked in to your house step by step behind your mother ... I felt empty and cold. I piled your blankets and pillows on to your bed. I burrowed my head in them and smelled you. I do not know what my life looks like without you.

I miss you so much. It hurts when I try to breathe. I have never felt so alone before. I see all of your friends and I watch them cry. I stand at the side and I am not sure how I fit in with them all or if I ever did. I know you in such a different way.

I shoved my head in to the bedding that you died in and I could smell you. I didn't want that moment to end. I didn't want any of this to be true. I closed my eyes and I thought of all the nights that I slept beside you after your surgery. I was so scared , I listened to you breathe and I watched you sleep. I would pet your hair and kiss your forehead.

I am not sure how to forgive myself for not being there. I talked to you a few days before and I should have been there. I asked if your houseboy could come home. I said that I missed you. You said yes !!! This sucks and I miss you. I have no idea how to get through this unibrow....

Sunday June 20th

I can feel you. I can't see you. I can feel you. The Monday that you were found I was sitting on the front stoop and I could feel you watching us from between the houses. I went to your wake and I felt you to the left of your casket and I feel like I am going crazy.

I was taking around a kitchen table when I felt you watching us all from the back room. The conversations all continued and I felt you. The energy moved and I could feel you in the kitchen chair four feet away from where I stood.

I am not sure how to feel sad when I can feel you all the time. I am not sure how to grieve you when I can feel how at peace you are and how you are okay. I can feel that you are enjoying learning new tricks and how to leave signs for us all. I know that you are just as in shock as we all are.

I love you and I miss you.

It is another day, night and day,
Keeping busy,
I try to focus,
Morning pill,
I remind myself to drink water,
Start engine, shift to first and drive,
Then to second and cruise,
Arms... nope,
Feet yes,
Thoughts frying like burning bacon,
Emotions careless void,

What is love anyways?

My friend Alex used to say that it stood for Lots of Varied Emotions. I is sad because she is dead and they found her remains in a ravine. I miss that lady, she was wise and misunderstood. I sit and ponder over so many things these days. I am angry a hell of a lot and I feel like a time bomb about to go off. TICK TICK TICK. I am safe in my head. I want to spend another few months alone with no touch and no words. I want no intimacy on any level. It only hurts when it cuts through your flesh down to your heart.

What is love anyways??

I stop,
deep breathe,
I look around,
Everything is fine,
..but me,
..but me,

I am not alright and I am not happy,
I am tanned deep and darkening,
I wonder....if its from the inside out,
Trained like a circus dog to jump through imaginary hoops,

I put my hand on my chin and look down,
My eyes grow heavy,
My heart is heavy,
I guess its true I always struggle,

Cold arms

I lay silent and still,
I feel a single tear roll down my face,
I stare emotionless at the wall,

Broken,
Lost,

Thoughts,
Feelings,

The perpetual plug being pulled,
My heart bubbling up in a perk,

She says I am so sorry for coming back into your life for my own selfish reasons.
She says I am so fucking sorry,
Her Tears fall like beads of water,

I say that I was happy and it was all coming together,
I was falling in love and building a new life,
My tears fall like beads of water,

I lay and hold myself with my own cold arms......

I was so scared that you would leave,
I didn't see you when you were here,
I need off these drugs,
I need a place to live,
I have stopped the spiral that lead me here,
The tempest that scooped me up has ended,
I hurt you and it makes me sick to my stomach,
I would not be me if you didn't leave me for you,
I love you,