..remind me

Deep darkly and a faint blue. I make my bed it seems like any other humdrum chore until I unfold my pillow cases. I grabbed some older ones from the closet. I saw that the white ones had some stains. Then the beige one had a small blood stain.

My mind goes back to that June day and how I threw all your blankets back on your bed. Your pillow cases had stains. The last tangible mark you would leave. I throw myself in to the blankets, sheets, the pillow cases with your stains and the smell of you.

I go back to the nights and never ending days that I lay beside you. My darling friend, how you drove me crazy and I drove you crazy too.

I talked to one of our friends and she told me that you wanted me to take care of you. That you trusted me that much and it blew my mind. I guess life is timing. I remember when I first came to your house to stay with you I had never experienced such unconditional love. You gave your space to me so willingly. It wasn't but a few days later that your sister and best friend came over. I walked to the store with your sister on that beautiful September day to get a pop and that is when she told me about the surgery.

I had no idea about any of it in the least and that is when I knew that I was not running away from anything by leaving Woodstock, but that I was going to where I needed to be and it was with you to take care of you.

I remember helping you go through your clothes. It was really me pulling everything out and you pointing your finger telling me where it should go and then me putting it back. You did have a bossy mouth and I loved you for that.

I remember when I had my accident and I hurt my shoulder. I couldn't work for months and it was just as well because I had time to be your 24hr Houseboy. When you went away for the surgery I remember cleaning your place like a crazy person. I pulled all the furniture out and vacuumed everything. I even washed the walls. I was so worried about the dust and baby powder residue, I didn't want to risk you getting a infection.

I remember when you came back. Your sickly tired face. Your mom laid out all these medications and vitamins for you. She handed me this manual like you were a car or a new stereo. She said take care of my baby, I am so glad that you are here for my Lizzy.

That fucking hospital night gown that you wore for what seemed like forever with colored stains from sugar free freezies and Jello. I had to peel it off you on laundry day and pre-treat the stains so I wouldn't have to look at them. I slept next to you for two weeks and I listened to you breathing. I was so worried about you. I was curled up between you and the wall. You were so cozy and lovable. I recall the night I had to start sleeping on the couch again. It was so intimate taking care of you and sleeping next to you that I got a little weirded out when I felt like cuddling up and kissing you. That is when I went back to the couch!

You would wear the tiniest little socks and when you took them off they would roll up like a condom fresh out of the wrapper on the floor. I remember this clearly because in order to wash them they had to be meticulously unrolled. You were very finicky about the whole sock ordeal because a pair of socks couldn't be wrapped in to itself they would have to be carefully laid together in the drawer to avoid stretching out!!

I remember your pants and how you had two pairs on rotation. The jeans and the black ones that the crotch kept ripping out of. I know what love is. It is sewing up the crotch of your pants. I used a special knot stitch and they didn't hold much longer than the time you stitched them before that.

I fight the feeling of being a total complete fucking failure because I was not there for you when you really did need me. My intuition told me to go to you that night. I remember sitting at coat check while I was working and I was texting you while fighting this internal battle that kept telling me to go to you. We set up a time where you were going to come and get my stuff from my wifes so I could move back in with you. I told you how my marriage was not working and I tried as hard as I could. I needed you and you unconditionally loved me welcoming me back into your home.

I told you all the crazy and shitty things I had done. I told you how messed up I was and all over the place. You loved me and you were there for me when it seemed no one in the world was. I fucking miss you.