I look down at my arm and I see your name,
I remember the time when we were so in rhythm,
It seemed like everything was lined up just for us,
There was that love that i thought i had waited all my life for,

I thought you were it for me,
I thought you were the one,
It seems now painfully clear to me,
Baby we were so wrong,

Is love all forgiving or are we all worn out?
Were we pushing for some thing we were better without?

Is a broken promise a lie,
or,
Is it a dream that doesn't come true?

Some of us are haunted by things that we don't even understand.
We are born in to a darkness,
Constantly fighting the seductive pain of this cold comfort,

Perfection seems so far away,
I think that we are all perfect the moment that we die,
Free of the shackles of ignorant humanity,
Free of the blindness of our nebulous emotions,

I can see you through the mucky air,
I have always been able to see you,
Under your baseball cap,
Your intensely resplendent eyes,

..remind me

Deep darkly and a faint blue. I make my bed it seems like any other humdrum chore until I unfold my pillow cases. I grabbed some older ones from the closet. I saw that the white ones had some stains. Then the beige one had a small blood stain.

My mind goes back to that June day and how I threw all your blankets back on your bed. Your pillow cases had stains. The last tangible mark you would leave. I throw myself in to the blankets, sheets, the pillow cases with your stains and the smell of you.

I go back to the nights and never ending days that I lay beside you. My darling friend, how you drove me crazy and I drove you crazy too.

I talked to one of our friends and she told me that you wanted me to take care of you. That you trusted me that much and it blew my mind. I guess life is timing. I remember when I first came to your house to stay with you I had never experienced such unconditional love. You gave your space to me so willingly. It wasn't but a few days later that your sister and best friend came over. I walked to the store with your sister on that beautiful September day to get a pop and that is when she told me about the surgery.

I had no idea about any of it in the least and that is when I knew that I was not running away from anything by leaving Woodstock, but that I was going to where I needed to be and it was with you to take care of you.

I remember helping you go through your clothes. It was really me pulling everything out and you pointing your finger telling me where it should go and then me putting it back. You did have a bossy mouth and I loved you for that.

I remember when I had my accident and I hurt my shoulder. I couldn't work for months and it was just as well because I had time to be your 24hr Houseboy. When you went away for the surgery I remember cleaning your place like a crazy person. I pulled all the furniture out and vacuumed everything. I even washed the walls. I was so worried about the dust and baby powder residue, I didn't want to risk you getting a infection.

I remember when you came back. Your sickly tired face. Your mom laid out all these medications and vitamins for you. She handed me this manual like you were a car or a new stereo. She said take care of my baby, I am so glad that you are here for my Lizzy.

That fucking hospital night gown that you wore for what seemed like forever with colored stains from sugar free freezies and Jello. I had to peel it off you on laundry day and pre-treat the stains so I wouldn't have to look at them. I slept next to you for two weeks and I listened to you breathing. I was so worried about you. I was curled up between you and the wall. You were so cozy and lovable. I recall the night I had to start sleeping on the couch again. It was so intimate taking care of you and sleeping next to you that I got a little weirded out when I felt like cuddling up and kissing you. That is when I went back to the couch!

You would wear the tiniest little socks and when you took them off they would roll up like a condom fresh out of the wrapper on the floor. I remember this clearly because in order to wash them they had to be meticulously unrolled. You were very finicky about the whole sock ordeal because a pair of socks couldn't be wrapped in to itself they would have to be carefully laid together in the drawer to avoid stretching out!!

I remember your pants and how you had two pairs on rotation. The jeans and the black ones that the crotch kept ripping out of. I know what love is. It is sewing up the crotch of your pants. I used a special knot stitch and they didn't hold much longer than the time you stitched them before that.

I fight the feeling of being a total complete fucking failure because I was not there for you when you really did need me. My intuition told me to go to you that night. I remember sitting at coat check while I was working and I was texting you while fighting this internal battle that kept telling me to go to you. We set up a time where you were going to come and get my stuff from my wifes so I could move back in with you. I told you how my marriage was not working and I tried as hard as I could. I needed you and you unconditionally loved me welcoming me back into your home.

I told you all the crazy and shitty things I had done. I told you how messed up I was and all over the place. You loved me and you were there for me when it seemed no one in the world was. I fucking miss you.

My arms.....

Next to you I lay,
Mind pacing,
Back.........
Forth.......
Your breathe,

Your strength against,
The coldness of the wall,

I can smell her skin,
and our time is far to short,

My arms......
around you.....

You wife is always your best friend,
Until she ain't no more,
Telling each other all your secrets,
Until she is smashing your face with the door,

You made so many promises for ever ever more,
Now is is fucking the guy at the video store,
Love and ever after can only go so far,
Then common sense kicks in and tells you she is a whore,

One of my best friends died and where the fuck were you?
Yelling at me for all the things I did and did not do,
I spend days crying staring at the wall,
You beat me down more just to watch me fall.

How far would you go?
How hard would you fight?
If you believed in something?

If you loved someone.....
If you had someone so deeply in your heart,

My bed is cold.

Time passes like it always has, the circadian rhythm of movement. We all like to think at times that we are above. Love comes and it goes, people are born and die. Science can move as swiftly as it may but we are just animals at the whim of a universe we are all to primitive to understand. Slavery was only abolished 148 years ago and woman have only been able to vote in Canada for 92 years. When that is put in perspective how intelligent are we? Its really great that we all have ipods and iphones. I think that the i should stand for insensate. We are becoming apathetic. We are hunters and gathers lavished by the convenience of this modern world we have created. So far removed from the neanderthal roots of inherently who we are. We are so bored that we are killing ourselves.

I will pour myself another morning coffee.....

Your salt and pepper hair,
The strength of your arms and shoulders,
Your gorgeous face,
Your perfect eyes,

I miss you and I want you here,
I love you and I want you near,

I want you to fight for me,
I want you to look through my sad angry eyes,
Wrap your arms around me and not let go.....
Never let go.....

I ache for your arms in the night,
under blankets,
under the star filled sky,
under the weight of my sorrow,

A single tear falls,
I don't have to wonder,
Lover I know,
You feel my tears your arms are home,

My heart pounds anxiously for no reason that is my own

The betrayal and lies,
Misleading paths,
I am tired,
Tell me you love me,
Lay in her bed,
Everyone cries,
Everyone leaves....
Eventually,

I feel everything is tainted,
Nothing worth fighting for,
I wonder if you would fight for me,
I wonder if I was ever worth fighting for,
Its probably the fear of letting go....

I am gonna grow a little colder,
Thicken my skin,
Keep my engine from over heating,
I want to let go of the clutch and get bucked off....

Tip me over mother fucker and dump me out,

I am done,

I wish something incredible would happen,
I need a soft face of comfort,
Arms arms ......
I need your arms,,,,,,

I am sad and broken,
I miss your voice,
Soothing,
Comfort,
Your arms wrapped around me,
All night,
All night,
My heart,
My heart,

In the name of Beyonce, ring the alarm......
To the left, to the left.....