lifetimes ago.....

Hog tied and gagged just how you liked it,
I would be the stick that kept you safe,
I was so young,
I loved you so,
Those garters and stockings,
Tight miniskirt,
No panties,
How I loved you then,
Damn those black leather boots caressing your calf,
I would unzip the zipper,
The pleasure was all mine,
I was the one that brought them to that shine,

After the roller coaster of shit that has brought us here.... You say the words I miss you and it warms my heart. I am tired of trying to be something that I am not. I kept my dress shirts and my ties. Brown shoes, black shoes...always with the ties.

My honesty, my age and the tiredness in my bones. My playful heart that I don't want to hide. I say that it sounds good to hear you say the words you miss me. I am used to you saying that you want to see me. I think it was the first time you said that you missed me. I told you how good it felt to hear that and you called me a girl. I guess I am a girl.

the snow looks perfect tonight dancing around the street light,
outside my window cars drive to where I can't even imagine,
this city feels shallow and untrustworthy,
I am trying to make a home,
I am trying to make comfort,
I am trying.....

the arms I miss are 1 hour and 42 minutes away,
but they only stay overnight,
and usually for a day,

This feels fleeting,
I am broken,
I can't just find a feather,
then expect to fly,

This feels fleeting,
It could just be today,
The distance feels to much,
You feel so far away.

Fuck I think of you so much these days,
How I would find myself in your arms last December,
How I spent Christmas on your bed in the silence above ground,
The quiet hum of the city on a perfect calm day,

I find peace in the grievances that used to weigh me down,
I am seeking the lightness I lost,
The existential suffering from the moment I was born,
Twirl in my dress, play on a swing yet always feeling completely alone,

Rolling thunder and the rain pours down.
I only believe in what I feel,
I found you and I can see you,
You are my other,

I forgive you for your love when it was salty,
I forgive myself for my words when they were sharp and cruel,
I forgive myself for the ones I hurt before I ever knew you,
I can forgive me...but can you forgive you?