at does it mean,
My love feels a little tainted, my mouth unclean,
We are dreamers and I believe in dreams,

I ride and ride.
I am broken.
I can not push time.
Would I even if I could?

Do you believe in moments,
The ones that carry me through the days,
The moments of silence,
Your overcast eyes,

The girl from the beach,
She taught me more about love,
She showed me how to love,
She loved herself before all else,

I guess it hit me,
Feet nailed to the ground,
Birthday depression,
The absence of you,
The space I can never fill,
My eyes water,
Numb like clockwork,
Broken like puzzles,
So close like a part of myself,

I walked in to your house step by step behind your mother ... I felt empty and cold. I piled your blankets and pillows on to your bed. I burrowed my head in them and smelled you. I do not know what my life looks like without you.

I miss you so much. It hurts when I try to breathe. I have never felt so alone before. I see all of your friends and I watch them cry. I stand at the side and I am not sure how I fit in with them all or if I ever did. I know you in such a different way.

I shoved my head in to the bedding that you died in and I could smell you. I didn't want that moment to end. I didn't want any of this to be true. I closed my eyes and I thought of all the nights that I slept beside you after your surgery. I was so scared , I listened to you breathe and I watched you sleep. I would pet your hair and kiss your forehead.

I am not sure how to forgive myself for not being there. I talked to you a few days before and I should have been there. I asked if your houseboy could come home. I said that I missed you. You said yes !!! This sucks and I miss you. I have no idea how to get through this unibrow....

Sunday June 20th

I can feel you. I can't see you. I can feel you. The Monday that you were found I was sitting on the front stoop and I could feel you watching us from between the houses. I went to your wake and I felt you to the left of your casket and I feel like I am going crazy.

I was taking around a kitchen table when I felt you watching us all from the back room. The conversations all continued and I felt you. The energy moved and I could feel you in the kitchen chair four feet away from where I stood.

I am not sure how to feel sad when I can feel you all the time. I am not sure how to grieve you when I can feel how at peace you are and how you are okay. I can feel that you are enjoying learning new tricks and how to leave signs for us all. I know that you are just as in shock as we all are.

I love you and I miss you.

It is another day, night and day,
Keeping busy,
I try to focus,
Morning pill,
I remind myself to drink water,
Start engine, shift to first and drive,
Then to second and cruise,
Arms... nope,
Feet yes,
Thoughts frying like burning bacon,
Emotions careless void,

What is love anyways?

My friend Alex used to say that it stood for Lots of Varied Emotions. I is sad because she is dead and they found her remains in a ravine. I miss that lady, she was wise and misunderstood. I sit and ponder over so many things these days. I am angry a hell of a lot and I feel like a time bomb about to go off. TICK TICK TICK. I am safe in my head. I want to spend another few months alone with no touch and no words. I want no intimacy on any level. It only hurts when it cuts through your flesh down to your heart.

What is love anyways??

I stop,
deep breathe,
I look around,
Everything is fine,
..but me,
..but me,

I am not alright and I am not happy,
I am tanned deep and darkening,
I wonder....if its from the inside out,
Trained like a circus dog to jump through imaginary hoops,

I put my hand on my chin and look down,
My eyes grow heavy,
My heart is heavy,
I guess its true I always struggle,